Unicorns have been spotted roaming the streets of Midwest towns.
Contrary to popular belief, President Snow is still alive.
S.H.I.E.L.D. exists. (shhhh, don’t tell anyone)
And in other breaking news, the arena of politics continues to heat up like a cast iron skillet on a campfire.
Okay, those first three statements are a stretch, but given the craziness of this presidential election, who’s to say? Maybe such claims actually bring some sanity to this catastrophe.
Let’s lighten the mood for a minute—or five, depending how fast you read. Picture a presidential debate with spec-fic in the star role. References, jokes, quotes, all to defend the candidates’ positions and make jabs at one another.
In other words, “where-has-this-been-my-whole-life?”
Here’s how a presidential debate might look if Donald and Hillary were both yuuuuuge spec-fic fans.
Donald: Let’s start this debate with a bang. Five words: illegal aliens must be banned. I would set up an organization, call it S.H.I.E.L.D., and hire Clark Gregg to run the operation. Problem solved.
Hillary: Banned. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Donald: Ohhh, Princess Bride now? Two can play that game. We need more people like Inigo Montoya anyway. I really like his outlook on life. “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” That’s a good life motto.
Hillary: Always talking about killing. Don’t you have anything better to say? Because right now, you’re sounding like a clichéd mentor. All we hear are the same things over and over.
Donald: To be honest, if we’re going to point fingers, you remind me of Katniss. Immature, ignorant, unstable. If my name was Peeta (which it’s not), I would try to get as far away from you as possible.
Hillary: All you do is resort to name-calling. You never talk about any substantive issues. We’re here to have a debate, not throw around accusations. Think Council of Elrond.
Donald: Oh. So I’m the hard-working, honest dwarf and you’re the snobbish elf? I agree with that.
Hillary: Once again, you’re ignoring the issue and proving how ineffective you are. You can’t see the big picture. What this country needs is a Princess Leia at the helm. That’s the type of leadership I provide.
Donald: See? That’s your problem. You need to think outside the box. Defaulting to worn stereotypes—where will that get you? You need to be different, stand out. Like a Brandon Sanderson novel.
Hillary: Are you comparing me to Vin? How kind.
Donald: Was I? I’m sorry, I misspoke. I don’t do that often. What I meant to say was, “You’re no better than Picard. Too old and too docile to “engage” with the changes and threats surrounding us today.
Hillary: I am most definitely capable, and I have a plan that makes sense to people. My agenda is simple. I want everyone to have the equal opportunity to live long and prosper.
Donald: While at the same time undermining their freedom, just like President Snow would. It’s a disgrace.
Hillary: No, your stance on any policies that matter is the disgrace. I have a plan. What do you have? A bunch of redshirts working for you?
Donald: You wanna talk about policies? Fine, let’s talk policies. I’m basically Tony Stark. Clean energy. Entrepreneurship. Advanced defense systems. And lots of money.
Hillary: Money doesn’t solve anything. Just ask any clichéd fantasy hero. It’s personal attributes that set the mediocre apart from the great. Sam Gamgee, who’s a personal hero of mine, is a perfect example.
Donald: My greatest attribute is my hair. Everyone envies my hair. Even Gandalf envies my hair.
Hillary: One thing Gandalf wouldn’t envy is your mind. Too similar to Saruman. Too deceptive and driven by your greed and need to destroy things.
Donald: You know what I think? You’re jealous. My charisma is too much for you. I’m basically Aragorn and Han Solo and The Doctor wrapped up in one perfect person.
Hillary: Your story reminds me of the beginning of one I’ve heard. It’s pitiful to say the least. “There was once a boy named Donald J. Trump, and he almost deserved it.”
Donald: I deserve everything. That’s what makes me amazing. Just like the Avengers. No one can stand against how amazing I am.
Hillary: Really? I think the word you’re looking for, logically speaking, is “prideful.” You’re a Vulcan. You think you know everything.
Donald: That’s because I do. I’m not a Vulcan. I’m Nick Fury. I have eyes everywhere.
Hillary: First, that’s a disturbing notion. Like the Flash losing his speed, only worse. And second, you can’t even decide which character you are. How can the people trust you to lead a nation?
Donald: Because I’m Batman. I’m the hero the people don’t deserve.
Hillary: Once again, that’s an outright lie. The way you twist the truth never ceases to amaze me. Did you receive instruction from Professor Snape?
Donald: I’m not a liar. This is how I describe myself. And it’s really accurate. You ready for this? Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Do you have anything to say to that?
Hillary: May the odds be ever in your favor. You’re going to need it.
Who do you think won this spec-fic-themed debate?